Finding My Voice: A Reflection On My Abortion(s)

By Jasmine Alvarez

1.

careless/irresponsible/trash

adjectives that some (most)

might use

to describe

a woman

who

CHOSE

abortion

not once/not twice

three times.

Typical HOODRAT

abusing the system.

Might even call me

no good hoodrat bitch.

In retrospect,

my fear of these judgements

along with the wrath

of God (the damnation

saved for the wayward woman)

caused me to avoid

abortion

as long as

i

could.

2.

It is a Catholic place.

The woman sitting

across from me

wants me to

keep this

tiny seed

attempting to

sprout

inside me.

I am a

sometimey Christian,

thus it seems like

a viable

option.

She preaches to me

about the

GRACE of GOD

and

how I can bless

other lives

with

my beautiful child.

What about mine?

Nobody knows I am here,

because black girls

do not give their

babies away.

3.

My first two

abortions

were with my

primary gynecologist.

He’s watched me

grow

from teen to woman.

Like my mother/boyfriend/the universe

he was disappointed in me.

How could I be so irresponsible?

The pain was gut wrenching

tears rushed from my eyes

during and after.

Nobody wiped my tears.

My boyfriend tried

but the emotional/mental

abuse from

our relationship

on top of the

circumstances

made me

numb.

While he

was relieved

I was

depressed/alone/suicidal

I was now

the girl

everyone

gossips

about

hoodrat/irresponsible/bitch

4.

At 23

I

see

my experience

differently.

After two years

(maybe I am still unlearning)

I realize I am not

what

the girls in

the locker room

whisper about.

At 18,

it seemed as if

I was forced into

a choice.

As a womyn,

I now see

that my decision

was my own

and it was right

for me.

Free from

the stigmas

placed on me

by

antiquated respectability lessons

and

misinterpretations of the gospel.

I will

scream/yell/sing

MY ABORTION

on

my soapbox

for all

my sisters

seeking

liberation and autonomy.

My story

may not be yours

but if

you

ever

find yourself

where I have been

I

want you to

choose

freely

without

shame/guilt/fear

and do

whatever you want

with

YOUR BODY.

____________________________________

Jasmine Alvarez is a self-proclaimed Queer hood feminist poetess. She likes posting poetry and rants on her tumblr.