Poem by Greta Moran

 

Definitive List of Things That Are and Are Not Feminist

 

Clouds: yeah, extremely feminist. I feel liberated just thinking about them.

Tea kettles: depends on strength of whistle

Sandwiches: only open-faced is feminist

Monuments: no, especially when they draw attention away from the landscape

Sun: not feminist, too gravitationally controlling of other planets

Moon: so feminist

Moon’s relationship with the ocean: highest level of feminist discourse

Stars: neutral

Space: yes, very feminist, even with the sun included

Linear Time: ew, no

Hurricanes: just the eye of the storm is feminist

Eyes: depends on gaze

Smiling: feminist if voluntary

Primary colors: no

Secondary colors: yes, could not be more feminist

Spirals: duh

Squares: gross

Rhizomes: even more feminist than spirals

Cats: self-sustaining feminist fortresses

Animals that can asexually reproduce: advanced level feminist

Dogs: need to work on emotional independence, but generally yeah

Manatees: pure feminist icons

Adrienne Rich: might as well be a manatee

Justin Bieber when speaking: no

Justin Bieber on a poster: yes, important way for teens to project sexual feelings

Your shirt that says “feminist”: fine

Socks: when clean, yes

Dicks: depends on how it is wielded

Plastic: only in the form of a dick

Period sex: 97% feminist

Period paintings: 23% feminist

Making fun of Eileen Myles’s Instagram: 30% feminist

Bees: 100% feminist

Ecology: grows more feminist by the hour

Anything that is “becoming”: forever feminist

Asymptotes: so feminist, it hurts

Abacuses: oh god, yes

Calculators: no

Venn Diagrams: amen

Pie Charts: a good attempt, but ultimately fails

Forks: anti-feminist

Spoons: very feminist

Spooning: tending towards feminism

Binders: when reclaimed

Containers: no way

Bookshelves: no, too container-y

Food: If you divide the number of women who prepared the food by your rate of consumption (bites per minute) and get a number greater than 1, then no.

Lena Dunham: not applicable, question has been posed too many times and is meaningless like this article

Beyoncé: see above

 

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Greta Moran is a writer and helicopter parent to her cat, whom she lives with in New York. Her writing has appeared in The Atlantic online, Lumina, and Mcsweeney’s Internet Tendency.  As an associate literary agent at The Beth Vesel Literary Agency, she is excited about advocating for new, perilous voices.